I just watched the first episode of the new American version of Supernanny. I’d read the reviews; some liked her and others didn’t. I expected my reaction to be mixed. I knew I didn’t like the title Supernanny being given to someone who had never actually worked as a nanny but I assumed her background would make her a pretty good parent coach. I was oh so sadly wrong.
On the first show, the new Supernanny introduced the “calm down corner” which is her name for a traditional time-out spot. When the four year old was put into the corner and refused to stay, the Supernanny “coached” the father to chase down his four year old son OVER ONE HUNDREND TIMES and return him to the same spot until the child gave in and sat there “calmly”. This process took over an hour. Let me say that again…this escape and return cycle happened over one hundred times and went on for more than an hour. Oh yeah, and this all started at bedtime when this four year old child was already tired and needed sleep more than anything else.
I think the way Miss Deborah used the “calm down corner” was absurd. And given she went on national television proclaiming to be a childcare expert and doling out how-to advice to tens of thousands of parents, I think her coaching was at best misguided and at worst, dangerous. And no, I’m not a spineless nanny who sees any kind of discipline as mean. I have high expectations for kids. But what I saw tonight wasn’t discipline, guidance or teaching in any positive way. It was simply a wearing down of a four year old child who was clearly feeling angry, frustrated, powerless and sad. It wasn’t empowering like parent coaching should be. It was heart-breaking.
This is in no way a slam against the father in the episode. He was only doing what ‘the expert” told him to do. And that’s what scares me. Imagine a parent, already feeling overwhelmed by their child’s behavior, following the advice given in this show. It doesn’t take much of an imagination to see that parent (or nanny) losing control and verbally or physically lashing out at their child. Imagine how you’d feel after 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 minutes? I know I’d be at the very end of my rope.
So now that I’ve seen the show, now that I’m appalled that she’s being held up as an expert, I refuse to let her be the new face of the nanny world. (I know if I hired a nanny who treated my child that like, I’d fire her on the spot.) If you’re a nanny that shares my views of the new Supernanny, if you approach challenging behaviors in a more positive way and are willing to share your expertise, let me know. I don’t have a solid game plan but I’m working on a way to show the public some real nanny wisdom.
I agree with everything said thus far. I also have a question: Don’t I remember Jo using a similar approach with her time out spot? I remember her having parents chasing kids and putting them back in the spot over and over for hours at a time….this same kind of “break the child” approach. Why didn’t people have a problem with her?
I only watched the old show a few times and I wasn’t a fan of what I saw I didn’t like Jo’s name “the naughty chair” and I thought she spoke to parents in a condescending way. However those slight reasons never warranted me coming out against the show. I just wasn’t a fan. Different strokes kinda of thing. They seemed more a necessary evil for keeping a tv audience hooked.
However if Jo took the samapproachch Deborah takes, I’d have the same issues with her. Especially having watched the second episode tonight.
Melanie, I too only watched Jo a handful of times. However, from what I did watch she used her “naughty chair” in a more appropriate way. Though I like the name “calm down corner” when and why to use it is confusing. It seems like the “rules” she comes up with are not well thought out or taught, there are too many of them and not age appropriate. Asking a child that is 2 not to run in the house, then creating a 2 hour power struggle that in the end did not even seem to be effective seems crazy.
I did not agree with everything Jo did. My parenting style/coaching lends more too connection with the child, but at least Jo was clear on the rules and saw each child as an individual.
I am watching the second episode now. I am so very sad. These 4 two year olds just needed a little one on one time. I wish she would have addressed this point. There was absolutly NO personal connection with thes children. The mom’s treated them like a group at all times and NEVER individualized them. If they had all has 15 min to have one of the mom’s to themselves, massive changes would have taken place and the issue with bed time and calm down corner would be resolved. And did I hear right that one of the “rules” for the house was “no running” Are you kidding me. You are asking a TWO year old to not run in the house. Two year olds have only 2 speeds, sit and RUN.
I am quickly loosing any respect I had for the show and Miss Deborah.
I just watched the second episode and the idea that a two year old can understand the rules she laid down is so off base. Two year olds developmentally ready to share. Yes, they’re learning and of course we should be encouraging it but to punish a child for something that he’s just learning how to do is so out-of-bounds. I could go on and on. The whole thing is sad.
So true. The rules were NEVER introduced well (at least for us to hear) and no explanation of them that a two year old could understand. I really wanted to give her a chance and will watch one more in order to do so but I was literally in tears for those children while watching it.
I thought I’d be seeing the same episode if I followed the link, but evidently a new one is up. I saw the one with the 2 1/2yo quads, 7yo, and 9yo. She used the same “calm-down corner” technique, daytime and bedtime. I, too, was appalled. Worst was after she’d left the parents to try the techniques alone, when she watched the video of them shrieking at the kids that they didn’t follow the rules so they have to sit in the calm-down corner. She doesn’t at all address the parent needing calming down, but is only outraged that the parent had switched the calm-down corner to a new spot outside the bedroom so all the other kids wouldn’t be disturbed!
Come on! Even if you were to buy into this 100 times returning the child to the corner, the most important aspect of leading a child to eventual self-discipline is that the caregiver be in control of herself! Otherwise, it’s just ruling by intimidation and fear, not teaching.
I’m sorry they call her a nanny, and glad that she keeps telling people she ran a day-care center. It is too bad that the real experts, such as Becky Bailey of Conscious Discipline and Jane Nelsen of Positive Discipline aren’t put on national TV to teach child rearing.
Lisa, great points! I think the network just didn’t find our approach to discipline is “sell-able” on network TV. They want simple one paragraph answers to complex and mulit-layer problems. There is never one answer for everything. And every behavior a child has stems from another issue. I gotta wonder if she “actually” explained more but it all got cut off or if she really does see it that black and white – every behavior as bad.
If I were cut off, I wouldn’t last in the show… maybe it was a good thing they didn’t consider me then. I look at other advice gurus out there, these people want shock value and ratings. They don’t care about legitimately helping children and parents. That is the legimate nanny’s primary goal fundamentally. We are there to provide a unique custom childcare option for parents. We professional ones bring in our nanny know how. Or we acquire the skills to fit that position if we want to make a difference. — I don’t get why this wouldn’t be sell-able to the American public. I so often will make some sound comment on a DC discussion board where eveyone is anonymous.
Although those that know me say they can tell in a heartbeat it’s me. Others that don’t are like are available to be hired, how much does someone like you make as a nanny? etc. — People want that genuine “get it” attitude. I can be tough as nails on some things, but it takes experience, patience, and skill to do it diplomatically. Perhaps that’s what they weren’t looking for in casting either.
But most REAL solutions take more than 4 days in a house. That is what is unsellable about the way we discipline.
The thing that I winced about in overhearing a commercial when I watched something else on the network where this show airs is that she claims to have over 20 years experience. Well one, I have close to 34 years of babysitting experience and over 25 as a nanny, not to mention teacher, coach, aunt, mentor etc. And a childhood with 9 siblings and plethora of cousins, friends, neighbors so I could see what worked and didn’t work over time for parents. Then adding in a lot of coursework on child development. I will take my knowledge over hers any day.
Ir one has to chronically chase a child down to get them to go to time out or a thinking corner, you are missing the boat. Generally the very first thing I do when I see a child misbehaving I look for extenuating circumstances. Is the kid tired, or hungry? So many times this is the first reason that negative behavior can escalate. Second, are there any stressors going on in the home or with the child beyond the kid’s control and their behavior is a reaction to that. That means I need to to do what I can to get that kid help in coping in a more productive way and not be this way out of fear or anger.
Do children test limits and boundaries, yes it’s called childhood. They are learning about how to function in life. Discipline comes from the same Latin word at disciple – to teach. Parents can’t expected their children to know what is acceptable behavior automatically anymore than presuming a baby to be born knowing how to read, write, walk, talk, fend for themselves, etc.
And if a child is acting out of stressful reaction that the adults in the household caused or had control over it is not okay to not put them in check too. However, what nannies do get is that this doesn’t always happen. Our role if we are good is showing children how to adapt to the conditions or environment they are in.
I have worked in crisis homes (often meaning single parent ones) so often my charges know they aren’t like their friends. There are times this makes them sad, resentful, jealous, bitter, angry — a lot of negative emotions. I have had to help children adjust to things not being fair and equal and resiliency. In stable sensible ways.
I also disagree with a one system approach to behavior modification. Children have different learning styles and personalities. They have different home lives, the culture and geographic areas they live in vary, the income of the household can be at different levels. All of this can impact what could work best for each child. So this one cookie cutter fits all approach is not sensible. A nanny who chooses to educate herself on what the various options are knows to take a hard look at a kid and pick techniques that suit that child, because it makes life on a daily basis so much easier. An excellent nanny gets that kids can be unpredictable and that plan a that you used yesterday needs to change to plan b today, and it’s okay.
I can pretty much just say ditto to your whole approach. I believe the same thing. It’s all about TEACHING, not controlling. And helping the child to feel better about himself, not worse. I didn’t really care about this show until I watched the show. Damn TV!
OK so I too personally like the name “Calm Down Corner” and I think in the show, these were kids and parents that have NO boundaries in their relationship.
I’m not a nanny nor do I need one. I started raising my children with boundaries the day they where born with breastfeeding. So my children, for the most part, know where they are in dynamics of our family structure. However when they can’t cope with situations/discipline we use the “calm down corner” with great success.
So what to do with crazy out of control children? I hear you talk badly of this method but I don’t hear you say how you would deal with it!!!!
I was searching the web today because a co working of mine has 2 sets of twins, toddlers and newborns. The toddlers are acting out, of course being toddlers and coping with 2 new babies in the house. I have no idea how they have parented the toddlers but now they are out of control and shitting on the floor!
Yes I believe we have to nurture, love and emotional support our children but if your children are out of control, tough love is sometimes warranted to bring back the “Nature Order of Things.”
My job as a parent is to help my children to become; happy, healthy, intelligent, spiritual adults, not to be a friend.
I have to say Lora, I agree with much of what you say. Though I liked the name “calm down corner” better than time out or naughty chair the way it was used in the show was inappropriate. It was never fully explained at what point that technique was to be used. That was obvious when she went away for a day and the dad used it because the poor child just did not want to play a game. Instead of making the child sit in some “spot” it is much more effective to validate the feelings while requiring appropriate expression of those feelings. Breaking a child’s will does not teach appropriate behavior.
I too am upset that the person chosen for this role was not a nanny. In full dis-closer I did audition for the role but went into watching the show expecting mixed feelings. That is what I got. I liked Miss Deborah as a person and admired her for what she has done in her life. Going into it I was only upset that she was never a NANNY – a profession that is so misunderstood.
After watching the show I feel there are many things I would do differently and do do differently in my Parent Coaching practice. If only they would change the name of the show.
Marcia,
I do like the name she uses. It implies a good thing. And I was like you, going in I thought she’s be pretty good. I’m just really disappointed and simply don’t want this to be people’s view of what a nanny does. Like I said, I’d fire her!
You got that right Lora! that is just straight up crazy. I’m a full time Nanny Granny (24 hours people) an there is no way I would of used that method. sheesh.
Straight up crazy. Yeah, that about sums it up!!